Meet the Medic and the Pyro
by Lordriochi
Summary: After some unrest by a very angry RED Medic and insane Pyro, the commercials of two classes in Team Fortress 2 are finally made.
1. Physician Fury

Physician Fury

"Vhere are mein commercial, dummkopf?" The lanky German tightened his hold on a game producer in the Valve meeting room. The producer attempted to get loose, but only slammed into a wall by the crazed class. The frightened man reasoned.

"Listen, doctor, your commercial will come in time, but you have to calm down."

"CALM DOWN? Everybody on my team has a commercial about themselves except me and Pyro! EVEN ZE SNACK HAS A COMMERCIAL!" The Medic screamed down on his victim's face.

[The Medic flashes back to the day when Valve decided to produce Meet the class shorts, which excited the team rather greatly. Well, some of them. Unfortunately, only two of the members did not get on the action, Pyro and himself.

During a cease fire during a month before, they were both in an elevator in the RED base, descending after spending a day at the nearest mall.

"I can't believe that these dummcopfs are doing this!" He cried out.

"Mmmpph!" The Pyro responded. The Medic continued his rant.

"Why does everyone get this advertisements, but not us?"

He frowned quite bitterly. After all, he was the one keeping this team alive every single battle. He Ubercharges them every time when victory or defeat is at hand. Why should he not get in on this, because he was German or a some sort of Nazi? No , they were afraid of him, because he was the ubermensh!

"Mmdic, puhlease camm dmm." The Medic was shocked. The Pyro usually never spoke at all,due to his/her protective gas mask, muffling most of the words into gibberish.

"That's funny, I never heard you ever speak out loud, in fact, I never heard you speak English at all!" The Medic's face became reddish with anger. A sigh could be heard from the Pyro, or more like a wheeze of air.

"Lisshin mmdic, mffing pisset aa thuh team wile note help our problemm."

The Medic slowly cooled down curiously.

"Then vhat should be the plan of action then, dummcopf?" The Pyro cackled manically with some force, then whispered to the German, who's eyes grew wide and he grinned sinisterly.]

"Please, doctor, you will get your commercial, but killing me will not do anything."

The medic slowly started to grin wildly with insanity. "Maybe not, but I will still have the pleasure of ripping out your organs, and turning them in wieners! The medic pulled out a large bone saw and was about to slash the producer's torso open with the tool.

Suddenly, the "good doctor" was pulled in the air. A deep Russian voice spoke. "Doktor, please calm down and have a sandvich!" It came from the heavy weapons guy, only known as Heavy. [While you work as mercenaries for BLU or RED, your name is replaced with the codename that explains your skills as a mercenary.]

"I knew that this Nazi of a maggot can not be trusted! He's trying to cut up the producer of our game!" The military man with a large helmet pointed his shovel accusingly at the medic.

"Can you keep it down lad? I still am suffering a bloody hangover!" The explosive expert grasped his head in pain of the ringing in his ears.

Heavy tossed the erratic man over his shoulder and slowly walked out the door with his other two comrades. "Let me go dummkopf! This is not over, you hear me?"

"Aye, doc, I can you! My bloody head, it feels like ticking dynamite." The Black Scottish Cyclops took another swig of his non alcoholic grape juice.

" Well, come on laddies, let's get back to HQ."

The medic sighed deeply and continued to yell German obscenities at the producer of Team Fortress 2.


	2. Meet the Medic

The brown title card is shown, with red healing symbols scattered around the screen. A large bone saw is at the side of the card. A pair of glasses is on top of the title.

Scene starts in the sick bay of the RED base. The medic is sitting on a smooth wooden chair, peering at a magazine. The title of the magazine is Mad Doctor Digest Issue 584.

The cameraman decides to tap the German medic's shoulder.

In less than ten seconds, the Medic swiftly attacks the naïve cameraman with his ubersaw. As the camera is knocked over, suddenly a technical difficulties card covers over the screen, showing a BLU Heavy making a last attempt to grab his sandvich as the Red Scout is about to bash the Russian's head in with his trademark bat.

Finally, order is restored in the sick bay. The Medic is sitting at his desk, with several trophies from his original career, including random organs. The doctor looked ruffled, but calm, for now. His hands were together, and he started to speak. "Zorry for causing the homicide of that crew member, I dislike, who poke me. I like my personal space, danke very much." He glared at the camera.

"Now you are vondering, what was mein job before joining reliable excavation and demolition?

Suddenly, a smile grew wider and wider on his face. "During World War two I first vorked at a prison camp, then a military base." A quick flashback is shown, the doctor wearing a gray uniform operating with a rather large scalpel. A crazed chuckle came out of the Medic's mouth. Soon the chuckle became a hysterical laughter.

"I can still hear those voices, crying, pleading and even outward begging!" Disembodied voices are echoing inside in sick bay. His hard laughter continued, as time passed. After one hour, he calmed down and continued.

"A lot of people still ask me, Medic, how did you invent the Medigun? Well, here is my secret to you!"

Suddenly, a BLU soldier came in off-screen and began shooting his bazooka. "Die you Nazi dog!"

The medic sighed and fired syringes from his second gun on the table, moving fast to dodge the shrapnel from the missiles. Although outgunned, with his faster speed, he outmaneuvered the BLU mercenary. "When I am finished with you, your pathetic bloody chunks will be turned into processed cat food!"

As the Medic drew closer, the BLU Soldier switched to his shotgun. Suddenly as the Soldier fired a few slugs, he was shot with the syringes, knocking him back. As the BLU Soldier cried in shock, with his blood being drained by the needles, the Medic slashed away at the Soldier. The severally dismembered BLU soldier fell, the "good doctor" smiled.

With his last breath, the BLU Soldier screamed at the doctor. "You stinking maggot! I will have revenge!"

The medic pulled a switch near his desk, activating a trapdoor underneath the BLU.

"Don't vorry; that chamber is filled with large maggots."

The medic sat back on his chair. "Now about my Medigun, I stole the prototype plans from the scientists of the Third Reich. They thought of only using this as a life draining gun, but they vere foolish! Why steal life when you can heal life?" [That actually rhymed!]

"Besides, without the uber charge and the critical hit blast I included, this would be just a simple gun." [Logically, normal guns are used to kill. The original plan for the prototype is to drain life, which is stupid.]

"I also help create the respawn chamber with the Engineer, which is able to revive any dead RED due to the DNA input of all members of RED.

Suddenly, a RED heavy ran in the sick bay. "Doktor, I need your assistance outside! The BLU babies is getting through to intelligence!"

"I can see Heavy, but be patient; I will be ready to move in a few minutes." The heavy nodded and moved outside the sick bay.

"Did I mention I work with Heavy much times? He is my usual meat shield to protect from shots, and in turn, I heal him constantly."

The medic waved his ubersaw around as he talked. "I can also be partners with the African Scottish drunk, that stupid American dummcopf, and that very terrifying flamethrower wielding teammate.

When the Medic waved his melee weapon to his back, he heard a pained cry behind him. The doctor slowly pulled his saw back; he stared at the blood spreading at the tip. Even slower, he turned his head. Lying on the metal floor was a BLU spy with his butterfly knife revealed. One thing came to the Medic's mind.

"You are one idiotic dummcopf!"

The next scene is in Badland Basin, the Heavy unleashing his minigun upon BLU members. The RED offense and defense followed. As he laughed and took damage from the desperate BLU, the Red medic healed the Russian with his Medigun. Soon as his uber charge was ready, a blast of red consumed the Medic and his powerful meat shield. Soon even sniper shots, rockets and flame was pushed off like tiny pebbles.

"Today is an Oktoberfest!" The medic cried loudly. As the power of the uber charge wore off, a BLU scout ran towards the medic, only to get himself gutted in his stomach with the ubersaw. "When all you BLU dummcopfs are dead, I will rip out your organs and grind them into sausages for my pet Dobermans!"

A close up of the Medic moves out as a picture of the whole team.

Team Fortress 2 ending music flourishes.

Last scene inside of mess hall "We did good doktor!" The Heavy munched on his stack of sandvichs.

"Indeed mein friend, now if we can find out the Pyro's gender."

Heavy nearly choked on his bite, he slowly glanced at Pyro. He/she was waving to him, blowing what looked like a kiss, and ate his/her spicy food, without taking it off his/her mask. Heavy's screams of shock was heard around the world in 80 days.

Next up, the complaints [If you can understand the ancient language of mumbling, grumbling, and unintelligible sounds] from the Pyro to the producer of Team Fortress!


	3. Burning Insanity

Burning insanity

It was another day at the Valve headquarters in Washington. It was boring day when the recent recession had hit the company the hardest. Many designers and other workers were laid off due to lack of budget. The offices around were so quiet, only the steps of a person can be heard, moving to the large room where the businessmen of the Valve were in a meeting about how to bring money back to the staggering losses in consummation in entertainment.

Suddenly one of the associates was set aflame, and panic began. People attempted to run, but were blasted out the windows by a small burst of air from the assailant's flamethrower. As all of the people except one were dead, the Pyro marched up to the producer of Team Fortress 2. The man was stunned by what was happening, so he attempted to call 911 on the varnished phone lying atop the table. [BOOM] The phone was shattered in one shot from the shotgun that Pyro switched to in a flash.

"Pyro, why are doing this? Is this the commercial you didn't get? Please calm down, and put down the shotgun, this is not the way!"

The man pleaded. Pyro let out a muffled chuckle, which became maniacal loud laughter.

"Mmmph! Mphhhhahaha,thuh ha!" The Pyro aimed his shotgun at the producer. Suddenly, just as the Pyro pulled the trigger, a sleek bullet knocked the slug out. A red light moved along the shotgun and fired again, knocking the shotgun out of Pyro's grasp.

Pyro grumbled and looked at where the light came from. "Mate, you better make like a tree and leave now." The RED Sniper sneered and aimed his rifle again. Accepting the challenge, the Pyro charged into his/her comrade, only to hit on the head with a ball.

The pyromaniac was stunned for a less a moment.

"Yo Pyro, you better chill out or I will beat your mask in!"

The Pyro soon recovered, and rolled out of the way. The Scout whipped out his special shotgun, the Force-A-Nature. The Pyro had seen that weapon blast BLU members out into walls with that gun, and the baseball fanatic was going shoot!

The Pyro responded with a tiny burst of flame on the RED Scout.

"Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, I'm on fire!!!" The Scout screamed.

Dropping his equipment, he started to run around when he remembered the advice Engineer gave him, stop, drop and roll.

While the Bostonian rolled on the ground, the Pyro threw his/her trademark weapon, the Axtinguisher at the Sniper. The lanky Australian was barely grazed by the barb wired covered axe, cutting into his lucky hat.

The Sniper angrily threw a jarate at Pyro running at him, which covered the arsonist in good, old decaf urine gas. The Pyro breathed in the gas, nearly making him/her puke his/her lunch.

"You little bugger, I hope you like my lemonade!" The Sniper chuckled. The Pyro sent flames at the Australian, narrowly missing him, but burning his hat on his head to ashes.

"Alright no more playtime! It's time to go to sleep wanka!" A small tranquillizer [injected with a drug that could make a raging bull sleep in 5 minutes] was pulled out of the assassin's pocket and was put in the gun.

The Sniper took aim as the Pyro ran to retrieve his/her shotgun from the floor.

However, he was quickly shot in the foot when Pyro grabbed his weapon, losing his trusty gun in the process and his balance. The bullet dropped out of rifle and rolled under the long, glass topped rectangular table. The Sniper unsheathed his inverted blade, the Kukri, only to stare at up the barrel of the Pyro's shotgun.

"Hudda, hudda!" The Pyro spoke, in unintelligible mumbles.

Suddenly a shot was fired, not by the Pyro, but something invisible. As the electronic cloak faded, the Spy smirked at the mysterious arsonist. [FYI if you can't understand it, the Spy picked up the tranquillizer from under the table and loaded his Ambassador with it.] The Pyro tried to stand, but quickly fell asleep. Sniper picked himself off the ground, retrieving his battered rifle.

"Thanks mate; he nearly had my head on a silver platter."

"Our mission is done filthy jar man; let's leave this place with him or her before ze Pyro wakes up, non? The Frenchman whipped out a cigarette from his case and lit it before smoking it deeply.

The Sniper growled under his breath. "You bloody spook!"

After the Scout stopped burning, the trio dragged the Pyro out of office just as the producer fainted at what just happened.


End file.
